dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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