Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
