you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize