I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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