the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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