Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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