You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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