Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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