my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
