Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Randomize
