he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
