the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
