i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My vagina is officially offended.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
