i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
