WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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