also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
