The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
