dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize