Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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