I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
