I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
