My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
