I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
