Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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