When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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