I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
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