I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
