Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize