I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
