Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
