If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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