I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Randomize
