i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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