You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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