my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
