Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
