Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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