We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
