I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
