last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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