Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
