those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
