Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
