I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
