the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
