There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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