This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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