I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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