mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
