Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Every concussion has its silver lining
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
