Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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