He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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