Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
