the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
