The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
