i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
