Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize