i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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