i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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