I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
