I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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