I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
