Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize