Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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