This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
