I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
