And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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