Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
