after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize