I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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