and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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