I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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